Tired

I’m tired.

Tired of reaching, of trying, of going, of believing. Tired of…just tired. I realized that I was not living the life of a believer most of the time so I worked on my attitude and perspective and it seemed to help. Then I lose my job barely a month after signing my lease. Then I start to fight feelings of depression and loneliness. No job, depressed, and lonely. Great combo isn’t. Is this what I get for pursuing a Christ centered life? I should have done this years ago!

I’m confused.

I don’t understand God. I know I never will but that is not reassuring at this moment. Having a job and steady paycheck would be reassuring. Too much to ask? How about feeling accepted, loved, cared for, valued. Is that too much? I am not saying that those things are totally lacking (Tuesday nights are usually good), but they seem to be gone far more than they are here. There is a new Carbon Leaf song called Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat. Right now my life feels more like it is Loss, Hope (maybe if I’m lucky), Repeat, Repeat, Repeat.

I hurt.

I feel as though I am not really loved, just tolerated, and that I, subsequently, am having a hard time loving. Loving life, people, God. I’m not doubting my choice to believe in him, but maybe wishing I didn’t want to live for him. And yet that is what kills me. I want to, but it hurts and I am having a hard time seeing anything positive come from it.

Epiphany where I learn and feel better

Nope

Not yet

Not today

Reconnection

I hate being sick. It sucks. I didn’t go to work to day. Which means smaller paycheck. Bad for bills. Oh well. Maybe it was good for me. I spent time in my bed, sleeping. I slept in till 9 and then took a couple hour nap round 12. I unpacked my room some more. Now I just need to get my bookcase to my apartment so I can unpack all my books. I also started reading a new book. (That puts me at two books I’m in the middle of, a record as of late) Flagstaff was just what I needed. I got away from Tucson for the weekend and got to just chill with some good friends and make some new ones. Paintball was a good stress reliever. I belly crawled up on two different people and tagged ‘em right in the face. Good times indeed. And only two welts for the day, both Tom’s fault (I’ll get my revenge yet Tom). Fishing with Tom and Jason was relaxing and the views from Upper Lake Mary were absolutely gorgeous. Even when I had to paddle the boat back and get waist deep in water to get it on the trailer, I had lots of fun. Camping, fishing, and just being outdoors always reminds me of God’s vastness and greatness. How can you not be in awe with views such as this.


Even with those huge feet there, the shoreline and the water just speak to me. I am constantly asking the question when I am outdoors “How can anyone see something like this and say that there is no God? How else could something like this have come to be?” It brings me to a place of awe and humility every time. And maybe that was what this weekend and today was really all about. Reconnecting me to a God of wonder and amazement that is sometimes easy to overlook. Keep your eyes open. You never know where God might appear.