The Answer

the part i hit both tuesday and thursday with friends was that we aren’t growing together, but either holding our roots back from each other or living within a pot where nobody can reach us and vice versa. it is good stuff to hear a young 20+ say:

I realized, or at least admitted, that partially b/c of my social skills and personality. i am good at making it look like i have good roots in a healthy forest. In reality, i just share about my past, appear vulnerable, avoid the present and don't establish a strong root system. I fake it to look like i'm doing good, when really i'm not. So they are kinda like (as a friend put it) hologram roots. they look real but have little actual substance. i guess i thought i had it down better and upon examination i was not as far into that process as i thought. i know allot of people, but comparatively fewer really KNOW me.

That is an excerpt from a friend’s blog. He was writing about me. I am the young 20+ to which he was referring. Earlier I poised the question “Where am I?” That is the beginning of the answer. I have faked it for quite a long time, and I am now having to learn, or relearn, how to not fake it. (“It” being living in a healthy community, with meaningful, grounded, open relationships) So part of me now is learning to become real. It is not always easy. It is scary to think about people actually KNOWING me, inside and out. But I have been working on it, and getting better I think. What else though? There has to be more to where I am.

One question that frequently comes up, especially when running into people I haven’t seen in a while is “Are you dating anyone?” So lets look at that question. First, I am currently single. I am at a place where I am ok being single, which is good and a long time coming. Also there is no one in Tucson that I want to date. It’s not that there aren’t good, nice, Christian women here, there just aren’t any that I am interested in dating. Simple enough I guess. Maybe she just isn’t in Tucson.

I am also in a strange place as far as church goes. Last Sunday (the 16th for those of you who are really into dates) I went to the main service for the first time since my return from China. I have been to Xchange every week I have been in town and been active in my small group and the college ministry, I hadn’t been to service. I went with my friend Dennis because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go, so we made a deal; we would go together. I didn’t have any issues with the message. Roger’s message was really good and I needed to hear some parts of it. The thing that bothered me was the worship. It was standing for one of the first songs and was overcome with a feeling that it was grotesquely fake. It was the production level that got to me. It appeared that the production value had overtaken the worship value. Part of me thought that most of the people weren’t even worshiping. I know that this is not true and somewhat judgmental, but that was my thought process. It seemed un-genuine, except for Matt Poling. Every time I see him lead worship, he is totally engaged with God, whole-heartedly worshiping Him. That was one of the few things that helped me to stay connected that morning. That and I couldn’t even think about leaving Dennis alone. Then I would have been a jerk and a hypocrite. I’ll keep going to service to push through. But I will also get a good dose of my church from my Monday night guys and Tuesday at Dann’s. Good stuff, both of ‘em.

So that is me right now. Some, good, some screwd up, but God is constently working and changing things in my life for the better. Example: new job starts on the 24th and I move into my apartment with David around the 10th, but more on that later.

The Question

Where am I?

At first, this is merely a simple question of physical location. Or, is there more? I have an inclination that there is more than just the surface answer of “here” or “there”. It is more like a State of the Mind or State of the Life address. It is a necessary step that must, on regular occasion, be taken so as to keep oneself in step with the Creator and Son. It is an introspective look into the core of one’s being. It involves looking at all aspects of the individuals life, from thought processes to core values and beliefs, challenges to those beliefs and values, struggles in life, successes, highs and lows; all that makes up living and life. With the examination complete, or at least in progress, one can then move onto dealing with those things that need to be addressed. This is a process that takes more than a little time and dedication of mind and commitment of self. How is it actually done though?

The process begins when ones starts contemplating whether or not to answer the question of “Where am I?” It is not a process to be taken lightly. It will often challenge your beliefs and lifestyle.

So that is the question. My answer…