Randomness

So I’m sitting on the airplane from Dallas/Fort Worth to Raleigh/Durham, which means that this blog is mostly randomness, and thoughts collaborated from whenever.
Saturday as I was leaving work I saw a huge group of the riders in the El Tour de Tucson. It furthered my resolve to ride in next years El Tour. Hopefully the 109 mile race. First part of that goal is actually buy a road bike. That means saving up some scratch, but it will happen.
I watching Family Guy while writing this and one of my favorite part goes as follows:

Meg is sitting outside the Hooters Shooters bar waiting for her mom to come back out with a fake I.D. for her to use and then a Priest and a Rabbi walk into the bar as the Rabbi says “Did you hear the one about us?”
Priceless, so easy to go there yet so funny. Family Guy usually provides good times.

Hiking

Last Thursday I went hiking to Romero Pools in Catalina State Park. I love that hike. It is about 5 miles round trip. Not hard but enough elevation change and rockiness that it is fun and slightly challenging. Near the end of the hike there is a point where you can look down on to the pools and hear the water running. I love that part. You still have about 20-25 minuets of hiking before you actually reach the pools but you can see and hear them. It reminds of walking with Him. There are so many times where we get a picture of where we are going in life or where God is calling us to: college majors, career decisions, future spouse, etc. etc. But there is still work that has to be done before you get to the end goal. The last 20 minuets before the pools have a little bit of everything; up hill, downhill, switch back sections. It has some interesting, ankle attacking sections. That’s not a negative, it just is. When you finally get to the pools you are rewarded with some beautiful scenery and more than a few glorious sand bars in which to nap in the shade. Kinda like in life, there are hardships in the way of getting to the final destination. Yet I would venture to guess that if it weren’t for those hardships and “ankle grabbers” the destination would not be as fulfilling. Hardships create memorable experiences and those experiences create faith. I have hiked Romero Pools multiple times before last Thursday so I knew from experience that the pools were just 20 minuets from the first time you encounter them. Likewise I have been through hardships in life and have seen God bring me through them, thus creating experiences that are basis to strengthen my faith that He will take care of me in the future. That faith comes from hard time. 1 Peter 4 talks about the joy that should come from suffering. It builds and strengthens your relationship with Christ. And that is the purpose of being a follower of Jesus isn’t it: to get to know him better and strive to more like Him.

Tired

I’m tired.

Tired of reaching, of trying, of going, of believing. Tired of…just tired. I realized that I was not living the life of a believer most of the time so I worked on my attitude and perspective and it seemed to help. Then I lose my job barely a month after signing my lease. Then I start to fight feelings of depression and loneliness. No job, depressed, and lonely. Great combo isn’t. Is this what I get for pursuing a Christ centered life? I should have done this years ago!

I’m confused.

I don’t understand God. I know I never will but that is not reassuring at this moment. Having a job and steady paycheck would be reassuring. Too much to ask? How about feeling accepted, loved, cared for, valued. Is that too much? I am not saying that those things are totally lacking (Tuesday nights are usually good), but they seem to be gone far more than they are here. There is a new Carbon Leaf song called Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat. Right now my life feels more like it is Loss, Hope (maybe if I’m lucky), Repeat, Repeat, Repeat.

I hurt.

I feel as though I am not really loved, just tolerated, and that I, subsequently, am having a hard time loving. Loving life, people, God. I’m not doubting my choice to believe in him, but maybe wishing I didn’t want to live for him. And yet that is what kills me. I want to, but it hurts and I am having a hard time seeing anything positive come from it.

Epiphany where I learn and feel better

Nope

Not yet

Not today

Reconnection

I hate being sick. It sucks. I didn’t go to work to day. Which means smaller paycheck. Bad for bills. Oh well. Maybe it was good for me. I spent time in my bed, sleeping. I slept in till 9 and then took a couple hour nap round 12. I unpacked my room some more. Now I just need to get my bookcase to my apartment so I can unpack all my books. I also started reading a new book. (That puts me at two books I’m in the middle of, a record as of late) Flagstaff was just what I needed. I got away from Tucson for the weekend and got to just chill with some good friends and make some new ones. Paintball was a good stress reliever. I belly crawled up on two different people and tagged ‘em right in the face. Good times indeed. And only two welts for the day, both Tom’s fault (I’ll get my revenge yet Tom). Fishing with Tom and Jason was relaxing and the views from Upper Lake Mary were absolutely gorgeous. Even when I had to paddle the boat back and get waist deep in water to get it on the trailer, I had lots of fun. Camping, fishing, and just being outdoors always reminds me of God’s vastness and greatness. How can you not be in awe with views such as this.


Even with those huge feet there, the shoreline and the water just speak to me. I am constantly asking the question when I am outdoors “How can anyone see something like this and say that there is no God? How else could something like this have come to be?” It brings me to a place of awe and humility every time. And maybe that was what this weekend and today was really all about. Reconnecting me to a God of wonder and amazement that is sometimes easy to overlook. Keep your eyes open. You never know where God might appear.

The Answer

the part i hit both tuesday and thursday with friends was that we aren’t growing together, but either holding our roots back from each other or living within a pot where nobody can reach us and vice versa. it is good stuff to hear a young 20+ say:

I realized, or at least admitted, that partially b/c of my social skills and personality. i am good at making it look like i have good roots in a healthy forest. In reality, i just share about my past, appear vulnerable, avoid the present and don't establish a strong root system. I fake it to look like i'm doing good, when really i'm not. So they are kinda like (as a friend put it) hologram roots. they look real but have little actual substance. i guess i thought i had it down better and upon examination i was not as far into that process as i thought. i know allot of people, but comparatively fewer really KNOW me.

That is an excerpt from a friend’s blog. He was writing about me. I am the young 20+ to which he was referring. Earlier I poised the question “Where am I?” That is the beginning of the answer. I have faked it for quite a long time, and I am now having to learn, or relearn, how to not fake it. (“It” being living in a healthy community, with meaningful, grounded, open relationships) So part of me now is learning to become real. It is not always easy. It is scary to think about people actually KNOWING me, inside and out. But I have been working on it, and getting better I think. What else though? There has to be more to where I am.

One question that frequently comes up, especially when running into people I haven’t seen in a while is “Are you dating anyone?” So lets look at that question. First, I am currently single. I am at a place where I am ok being single, which is good and a long time coming. Also there is no one in Tucson that I want to date. It’s not that there aren’t good, nice, Christian women here, there just aren’t any that I am interested in dating. Simple enough I guess. Maybe she just isn’t in Tucson.

I am also in a strange place as far as church goes. Last Sunday (the 16th for those of you who are really into dates) I went to the main service for the first time since my return from China. I have been to Xchange every week I have been in town and been active in my small group and the college ministry, I hadn’t been to service. I went with my friend Dennis because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go, so we made a deal; we would go together. I didn’t have any issues with the message. Roger’s message was really good and I needed to hear some parts of it. The thing that bothered me was the worship. It was standing for one of the first songs and was overcome with a feeling that it was grotesquely fake. It was the production level that got to me. It appeared that the production value had overtaken the worship value. Part of me thought that most of the people weren’t even worshiping. I know that this is not true and somewhat judgmental, but that was my thought process. It seemed un-genuine, except for Matt Poling. Every time I see him lead worship, he is totally engaged with God, whole-heartedly worshiping Him. That was one of the few things that helped me to stay connected that morning. That and I couldn’t even think about leaving Dennis alone. Then I would have been a jerk and a hypocrite. I’ll keep going to service to push through. But I will also get a good dose of my church from my Monday night guys and Tuesday at Dann’s. Good stuff, both of ‘em.

So that is me right now. Some, good, some screwd up, but God is constently working and changing things in my life for the better. Example: new job starts on the 24th and I move into my apartment with David around the 10th, but more on that later.

The Question

Where am I?

At first, this is merely a simple question of physical location. Or, is there more? I have an inclination that there is more than just the surface answer of “here” or “there”. It is more like a State of the Mind or State of the Life address. It is a necessary step that must, on regular occasion, be taken so as to keep oneself in step with the Creator and Son. It is an introspective look into the core of one’s being. It involves looking at all aspects of the individuals life, from thought processes to core values and beliefs, challenges to those beliefs and values, struggles in life, successes, highs and lows; all that makes up living and life. With the examination complete, or at least in progress, one can then move onto dealing with those things that need to be addressed. This is a process that takes more than a little time and dedication of mind and commitment of self. How is it actually done though?

The process begins when ones starts contemplating whether or not to answer the question of “Where am I?” It is not a process to be taken lightly. It will often challenge your beliefs and lifestyle.

So that is the question. My answer…

Volleyball Roast

5/23/06

So I made an appointment with a student to play volleyball tonight. Kevin told him I was good at volleyball. What he should have said was that I used to be good at volleyball. You see I used to play at least once a week usually with the CDO High School boys team and their coach, or at least other good players. So I was not half bad. I could at least hold my own on the court. Now I play maybe once or twice a month with friends just for fun. So I suck a lot more now. Here is where it gets interesting. The friend I had an appointment with, his name is Angus (yes like the steak), is on the universities volleyball team. So I played with him and the rest of the team. OH CRAP. I SUCK. Or at least I do compared to their team. First off they play a little different than I am used to. Any hit goes. Whether it is with a foot, arm, I even saw one guy head it straight up like a soccer ball. I used only my forearms like I had been taught. They have one or two guys that can rip the ball down the court. I can dig one of Stacy’s hits about half to three quarters of the time. But these guys, no way. I got maybe one good dig, one good block and two or three good hits. I got a lot more bad hits, missed digs and even one missed block that caught me square in the left half of my rib cage. That one was fun (ok it didn’t hurt my ribs nearly as bad as my pride). But I had fun, between getting mad at myself for sucking. I got to talk with a new Chinese friend. I got to walk back to my hotel by myself and do some trip processing. And I was definitely humbled. Lets put it this way. I got my derriere handed to me on a silver platter. You know, like one of those pigs that you see in those medieval movies with knights and kings and such. Apple in mouth, roasted and looking mighty fine for the eaten. Yeah it was that bag. Angus told me that they play every day at around six and I said that I might try to make it again. I would like to go again, but I will need to try to schedule it right. This much I do know. If I go again, fire up the barby, there is gonna be a roast. I will look like that big, fat, juicy pig. I can smell the spices already. Anyone got an apple?

Making Espresso In China

5/19/06

On the plane Amy Wageli and I had talked about taking pictures of coffee shops to bring home since we both work at coffee shops. While we were headed to lunch our first day in Beijing we spotted a row of about five shops by the Silk Alley. So after we ate so quite tasty food, the first Chinese meal for most of our team, Amy and I walked over to take pictures of the store fronts and some of the interiors as well. I was joking with Amy that I would be cool if I got a chance to make espresso while I was in China. I noticed one of the shops, Caffe L’affare, had the same La Morrzoco machine that my work uses. So my brain started turning. I asked one of the employees, whose English was wuite good, if I could make coffee at his shop. The Conversation went something like this:

Me-At home in the United States I make coffee too and I use the same machine. Him-Yes La Morrzoco. Good machine. Me- can I make a drink on it since it is my job back home. Him-Let me ask my boss. Please take a seat.

So Amy and I sit and wait. He eventually comes back and says yes I can. So I get to make espresso in China!! Freakin A! It was amazing. First the fact that he actually let me and second the espresso tasted fantastic, like no other I had tried before. Slightly sweet and not bitter at all. I got pics that will eventually get on myspace. It totally made my day. Props to Amy W for taking los photos. So I am now officially an international barista. Maybe that’ll help me get a raise. Prolly not but oh well.

Thoughts From The Plane

5/17/06 8:20 PM.

9B. That is my seat. Thank Father it is an aisle. I don’t think I could have handed a window on this little plane. I’m pretty sure that if someone spit on the wing we would crash. I’m not sure if the fact that I am on my way to China for the third time has fully taken root in my mind. Maybe it’s because life has been crazy this last semester, especially the last quarter of it. And yet there seems to be more than that. I got phone calls from three of my friends that are about to graduate from high school this afternoon wishing me good luck and blessings and such. I went a lot to me. Especially the first call I got. That one made me smile big. One of my best friends, known her since I was a senior in high school. (You do the math) I’m missing her graduation. That makes me sad, and her too. But it’ll all be cool cause I get to go to high school camp and hang out with her and other friends at Point Loma College on the ocean. So back to 9B

5/18/06 8:30 AM, T-TIME. 5/18/06 11:30 PM, B-TIME.

OK, so I am now in seat 33G on the way to Beijing. This plane is a 747 so space is much less of an issue and yes Mark got my back and procured me another aisle seat. We landed and had to recheck in and go through security. The line was ridiculous even at midnight. Plus apparently one of Mark’s key chains looks kinda like a knife, So the TSA gave his bag a personal inspection. No big deal. I slept for the first 5 hours or so on the plane. Sleep=good stuff. Now I am currently watching Dumb and Dumber (that’s for you G-dwag) and writing. Trying to sleep some to get used to China time. After the first five hours its not working so much anymore. So with sleep deprivation and the plane atmosphere he goes something crazy. Relational advice from Dumb and Dumber. The scene where Loyd has a breakdown in the apartment is great. Harry just listens. He doesn’t dole out advice arbitrarily. He listens, consoles, and provides a shoulder to cry on. Having been on both sides of that coin I know the value of just listening. Most of the time people just need to vent and talk, not be talked to or lectured. Maybe more or that later maybe not. Now its time to try to sleep againnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Sorry. Fell asleep. Two and a half hours till we land. I believe that it has sunk in. Me Going to China for the third time that is. Father is constantly working all places and that is especially evident in China. He also seems to work in my life through China. Only time will tell what that work will look like. I’m sure I find out some of it while I’m still here and some after I get back. More writing to follow.

Coffee Shop Thoughts

Disclaimer: Please pardon me if it seems I ramble in and out of different subjects. It was writing as I was thinking/processing. Consider it stream of consciousness, sorta of. But don’t let that scare you off.

I’m sitting at my work. I’ve been off for about half and hour after working for ten and a half. I am exhausted and want to have nothing to do with coffee right now. Why then, am I still here you ask? Good question. The answer…friends. Its been a long day. I’m tired, worn out, and kinda grumpy. So why am I here? Because I said would be. Because I would feel bad for just leaving during sound checks. But most importantly because I need to be around people I care about and that care about me. That may sound selfish and to a certain extent it is. But when I feel like this with friends is where I need to be. I am about to see Ashley pour her heart out in worship. That lifts my spirits more than I can put into words. Just sitting here thinking about it, I start to feel better. I don’t know why I feel this way right now. That is probably the most frustrating part. Is it stress about family life, partially, getting ready to leave for China, maybe, life in general, for sure. It seem that when ever life seems to be going smoothly, God interjects something into the middle of it that throws me completely of kilter. With out getting into too many details it involves a girl, me, and complications, more than one or two. I like her, she likes me, but if it were only that simple. So we are friends, or at least trying. But her all of a sudden in my life is not the only reason I feel this way. I believe down to the core of who I am that God is preparing to change me and work in my life. I believe that it is starting now, a large part will occur in China, and I will have to process and work towards understanding upon my return. I am not scared so much as apprehensive. I have no idea what He is planning and I actually prefer it that way. If I knew His plan it would be way to easy for me to screw it up. Am I destined t just ride the wave and see what beach I end up on? I believe so. And that is fine by me. Any beach that God chooses for me will be beautiful by definition, because it is His perfect plan. I must push on, towards an unknown future. My comfort and my solace come from the fact that no matter how deep into the unknown of this life He asks me to dive, He will always be holding on to me, like a father holding onto the belt of his son as he pulls him from the pool he has fallen into. I feel His hand holding onto me. I reassures me, lets me know I can keep going as deep as God requires of me before I come up for air.

The Power of With

I was sitting in a Pei Wei on Tuesday eating lunch to pass the time between classes and to catch up on my Bible study. I got my book out and reached for my Bible and “Crap,” my I left my Bible at home. I can’t hear from God or learn about Him without my Bible, now can I? But I started reading my study book to at least get familiar with the material. And then it was like “BAM,” the word “with” was right there. You know with, as in with people in community. God was telling me that that was a huge part, if not the main point, of being a Christ follower on this planet we call Earth. Let me explain what “with” is all about, at least one aspect of it.

On Monday night the guys from my Sunday night college men’s Bible study, yeah the one I was reading for above, put on a very nice dinner as a surprise for the college girls Monday night study. We did it just to give them something nice and show support for them as part of the Xchange community, you know a random act of kindness kinda thing. Not long after we had all of the girls at my house I noticed that one of them, a good friend of mine, seemed rather down but she was putting on a good face. I asked her about it then let it go. Throughout the night we were all laughing and talking and having a great time just fellowshipping and being with each other, even my sorta down friend. Later while the boys were doing dishes the girls were meeting and having “girl time” and it was obvious that the main topic was my one friend’s crappy weekend. She seemed a little better after that and when the boys were done with dishes we all sat around and talk for quite a while longer just enjoying each others company. We took the girls back to the place we had “kidnapped” them from and said goodnight. Later the day I got a message that said “Tonight was awesome...thank you. You guys brightend up my weekend, you don't even know...” All we did was cook dinner, a lot of dinner, and talk, yet it lifted her spirits immensely.

That was with people. My friend might not have been encouraged that weekend if it were not for her fellow believers coming together for the simple purpose of being with. It also happened recently at another friend’s house during a painting party. We had a lot of different people from different groups just hanging out and painting and being with each other and it was an amazing time of fellowship and encouragement. This is all to say, let us work on the idea of “with” as a community in the Xchange, or whatever your community happens to be. I would wager to say that if we start seriously practicing the idea of “with” in the Xchange we will se God do mighty and amazing things in our midst. We will grow stronger together and closer to Him. So now the challenge, who will do “with” with me? I think, no, I know we can do this. So lets go be “with” each other as a community and see what God does.

His Eyes

The sun was barely visible over the horizon as I walked with my brother James and father Zebedee towards our boat. We passed many other men as they began another day of work. As we walked by I could see their eyes, each man’s seemingly distant, tired, lacking emotion. Then a rabbi I had never seen before came over and said to my brother and I “Come, follow me, and be my disciples.” (Mark 4:21) Immediately we left everything behind and went with him. You may wonder why we left our old life behind, but you have to understand, this man, Jesus, he was a rabbi and besides that, you never looked into His eyes. His eyes were different than the eyes of other men; even other rabbi did not have eyes like His. They were not distant like most men or proud like the rabbis’. They were warm and inviting, full of love. After looking into his eyes you had no choice but to follow him. His eyes always reflected love, even when throwing the money changers from the Temple. He did that out of his love for the Gentiles, so the too could worship Him. And when He was on the cross, in one of His final moments before death, His eyes spoke of the love He had for His mother and His friend John. His eyes were always able to see the true people hiding from the world. He saw people for who they really were and what they really needed.

I had this dream about two years ago while in Oregon and was reminded of it today for some reason. It made me consider, how often do we, I, have the eyes of Jesus. I wan to see people as they really are, not how they present themselves or how the world at large sees them. And even more importantly I want people to see Christ when they see me. I wan them to see the loving eyes that Jesus had. And I want it to be real. That is people see it in me because I live it out every day. Isn't that what being a follower of Jesus is all about? Showing His love to others so we can further God's Kingdom on earth, so that no person goes to hell. That is one of my current goals, to live filled with Christ's love for others and to let it be seen in my DAILY life. Not just every once and a while or just when I feel like it, but every day.